Irrepressible Madness
by jmwatson504
Summary: What happens when Jax and Tara come face to face after Jax knows the truth about Tara's deception. My version of what happens in my perfect world. Set in season 6, pretty much a continuance of episode 9.
1. Chapter 2

Hello,

This is my first Fanfic ever! I am usually just a reader of all Jax/Tara stories because I am addicted to SOA but Jax & Tara's story line even more so. After episode 6.09 I was soo down as I have been all season about them. They are my all time favorite love story and I hate what is happening with them. So I felt inspired to write my own fantasy of what happens when Jax and Tara meet face to face after Jax learns the truth about Tara's deception. So here's what happens, in my perfect world, when Jax and Tara meet face to face.

I dont own anything.

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Jax sat there in the parlor for what felt like an eternity. His head reeling from the truths he had learned tonight. He kept going over everything in his mind to the point he thought he would literally go mad and if his brothers discovered him they might have to get him to hospital for having complete mental break down.

His thoughts taking over, he continued, "How did this happen? Why had it happened? How could I be so completely blind to it all? Was this somehow, my own doing? Did I drive her to this? Or has this always been inside of her? How could she do this to me?"

Then his heart sunk further than what it already had sunk before and he now felt nauseated. Stahl's words from years ago come haunting him as they did then, when she spoke them, "I wish I had that kind of pull over a man."

Then as it dawned on him, he felt as if he were just hit by another freight train. His mind continued, "Tara orchestrated this all knowing the power she has over me and used it as a key part of her plan. She used my weakness, for her and our family, to her advantage. Does she feel guilty? Does she even still love me? Did she ever truly love me?"

It was this last thought that wakes him out of his trance and brings him back to reality and back to his senses. He knows to question if she ever truly loved him, was without a doubt his mind warning him that he was bordering insanity and he needs to wake up. Because if he knew anything at all he knew that she did love him; maybe not now or maybe she doesn't want to anymore but there is no denying that she did. He knows it in his soul that she did. Yes, now he isn't sure of her current feelings and being honest with himself he sensed that even before he learned the truth. But nothing can change the fact that he knows they at least at one time had something deeply real that people dream of experiencing their whole lives.

He knows that she did at one time love him more than life itself. He knew it when they were teens and he knew it when she came back into his life eleven years later. He knew it when they looked each other in the eyes and were able to communicate a thousand words with none ever being spoken. He knew it when their bodies took control and their primal need for each other was unleashed as if they were starved animals. He knew it by all the risks and sacrifices she made with her career that she had worked so hard for, just to be with him.

He was able to settle his stomach with those thoughts but they did not do much for the hole he felt in his chest. He had no idea what to do with this new information, all he knew was he felt despair. It was like he was 19 again and he felt broken and devastated only now he felt that feeling magnified by 100. This time around not only was she again leaving him and deserting him but betraying him by trying to take his children, "THEIR" children. She is plotting and scheming against him, lying to him, manipulating him, using his weaknesses to advance her betrayals. It wasn't even a stab in the back in his eyes. No, to him it was more like her cutting his throat while he sleeps. And what made him feel more pathetic than anything was that he felt the most pain come from the realization that she is lost from him; the realization that she is no longer "his Tara."

He felt the tears pooling in his eyes threatening to spill over as he exhaled a deep breath from the sob he was trying to restrain. He hated himself for still loving her after what she has done to him. He hated that even after she played him like a violin that deeply engraved in his soul was his undying love for her. He hated that he still felt the urge to reclaim her heart as his property. He knew he should hate her, he should consider her dead but he just couldn't.

He tried to stop thinking but his heart and mind wouldn't let him. He started thinking about how they ended up where they are at. He knew he had to take some responsibility. He hadn't kept any of the promises he made her. He constantly put their family at risk with decisions made from the club and he knew she should resent him for that but he still never would have believed she could ever do what she had done. He hated himself again for loving so blindly. But what could he do? He didn't choose to be this desperate for her it was just in him. She made herself a part of him and no matter what he does he can never rid himself of his need for her. He could accept it or fight it.

He tried to fight it the first time she left and that didn't work at all. And while after the first few years he was able to pretend he was ok. Inside he felt like he was slowly rotting away. And while he was surrounded by his brothers, family, and endless pussy; he never felt more alone. Is that what he will go back to now that the damage she caused is done? "Fuck that!" he thought & got up & walked out the parlor with his mind on a mission. He got on his bike. "She's mine! They're mine!" Was all that he was thinking. He headed home.


	2. Chapter 3

Jax knew it was absurd. He knew he would seem weak. He is the president of the club, he's not supposed to let a woman be in that much control of his life. But he also knew that his hands were tied. It's not like he can handle this in a club manner as a retaliation, he could never hurt Tara and he would die before he allowed any one else to hurt her either. Tara getting hurt would only be the end of him & he can't have that for his sons.

He could leave her and go back to hell on earth, and back to living with out her being his but that wont work either. He will become weakened and turn into his father, not being able to be strong father or a strong leader for the club.

He will never deprive his sons from their mother either that would not be what's best for them. His only other option was to take back what was rightfully his, which is her. He didn't know how he would make it work. He didn't know how he would be able to trust her again or how he could heal from the deep wounds from her betrayal, but he knew he had no choice in the matter and he will have to figure that out as he goes.

He pulled up to their home. He thought she may be sleeping, as it was well past one a.m. He walked in the house and it was quiet. He went to look in on the boys they both were sleeping peacefully. He walks into the room he shares with her and she's there. She is sitting wide awake staring off into nothingness as if she has completely lost her mind and was no longer conscious. But her eyes moved to him and finally focused and she came back to reality.

That's when he noticed her grasp the gun she had in her hand on her lap. He didn't think it was possible to happen but he felt his heart break even more then it already was. Who was this woman and what has she done with his wife? Did she actually think her life would be in danger from him? Did she really believe he would actually have it in him to do any harm to her, knowing full and well how he loved her completely and unconditionally? Did she even remember who he was? Has he changed that much where not even his other half could recall who he is?

He just stared at her. He wanted to show her anger and rage in his gaze at her but he couldn't control anything he did at this point. She hijacked him with out even knowing it. All she could see was the anguish in his face and she released the gun setting it next to her on the dresser. They remained silent waiting for someone to say something. Finally jax composed himself enough to go first.

"So this you're back up plan? Take me out & claim self defense?" He spit in a condescending tone.

She remained silent but he saw the flicker in her eyes that showed she felt pain at his words and even some of what he thought looked like remorse, as she slightly shook her head. They stayed quiet again. This time she broke the silence.

"What are you doing here Jax?"

His anger rose again. "What do you mean babe? Im coming home. To my loving WIFE who needs her loving husband after the suffering she has been through."

"Jax. Don't."

"Don't what Tara? Don't mention the miscarriage that never was?" She stayed silent and just looked down the guilt in her expression now evident.

He had to check himself. "Look Tara, as you know, your plan has been exposed but I didn't come here to engage in the war it looks you were determined to start."

Tara looked like she was starting to harden again. "Jax..."

"Let me finish, Tara. You obviously realize your plan was severely flawed and that's not by chance. It's because it is not meant to happen. And it won't happen. Our boys are not going anywhere and neither are you."

Tara interjected, "Excuse me? You think you can force me to stay as your prisoner? & in case you forgot I cant be your prisoner because I am going to real prison and I'll be damned if my boys are left to here to continue on this same path of doom." She was standing and facing him now.

Her words hurt but he was determined now and her resistance only fueled him more. "Tara you're not my prisoner but you are mine!" he was yelling now. "You belong to me just as much as I belong to you; I refuse to let you go. After all you've done as much as I want to hate you, after all the damage you have done to my heart, I can not give you up!"

Then he crossed the room and she flinched, startled by his movement. He felt the pain again at this action, but it did not slow him down at all. He grabbed her face forcefully but not too much to scare her. And he pressed her lips to his.


	3. Chapter 4

Hello,

I just want to note that in my perfect world, Jax never cheated on Tara while she was in jail for ONLY A FEW DAYS :/ with that old hooker, whose name isn't worthy of mentioning. Ok, mini rant over. Also in my perfect world, Tara didnt cut her hair because the new hair doesn't suit her in my opinion and I think she is much prettier with the long brown locks. So yea. Hope yall like it. I'd definitely like to see some feedback from all my fellow Jax and Tara addicts out there!

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He poured all his emotion into the kiss, his love, his anger, his desperation, his pain he gave it all to her. She tried to pull away not wanting to give in to what she knew could have the power to consume her but he held her firm. The more she tried to resist the more he poured into her. He was determined to pull his wife back out to replace this woman who occupied her body. She couldn't fight him anymore, her body finally relaxed and she lifted her hands to his hair, as she slowly gave in to his kiss and returned it with her own frustrations, desire, and the love that she had tried to keep bottled up and locked away but could no longer contain the build up that was inside of her.

They were at war now. Battling each other ferociously like they had when they were young, by using their mouths. Both full of tension and frustration they stayed with their mouths fused for a while releasing everything upon each other. Jax released his grip from her face. He slid his hands down her body and gripped onto her thighs tightly. He lifted her up and she didn't resist, she was still too busy battling his mouth. He moved with her and threw her and himself onto their bed.

She pulled away as he was perched over her, they stared into each others eyes. They were both anxious and scared of what they were doing. They knew there was so much shit between them on both sides but this still felt so primarily right to them.

He looked at her with frustration again and whispered as he began to kiss her again in between the kisses he told her, "You're mine." "I'm not giving you up." "You belong to me." "I belong to you." "I love you."

After each declaration he kissed her and she just murmured and moaned into his mouth in agreement. In the back of her head she was a tiny bit fearful of how possessive he was acting but she knew she really loved it more then anything. He was re asserting his claim over her and it was the best way he could express how deeply he loved her. He loved her so much that it wasn't that he refused to loose her, but that he just couldn't loose her. Bobby had told her already and she always knew it. He was now just reminding her again.

It was her that pulled at his kutte, now feeling starved to have him completely again. He sat up on his knees and removed the kutte then lifting his shirt over his head and tossing both to the floor. They both stared at each other in wonder, the worry starting to creep back into their minds. They both were thinking the same thing. Was this the right thing to do? Could they really just forget all the things they had done to each other and let their animalistic natures take control? They both were worried it could only complicate things more. Jax saw in her face all the questions he had also plaguing his mind. She was starting retract and the walls going back up. He wasn't about to let that happen.

Before either one of them could come to their senses, he leaned back down over her and kissed her with a force and hunger that gave her no choice but to let go of all logic and worry. He was determined to keep all of the bull shit out of their minds. He started to pull up her shirt. He broke away from the kiss to bring the shirt over her head. He started to kiss and suck on her neck moving slowly down to her collar bone getting to the spot that drove her wild. She arched back and rolled her eyes back. She threw her arms around his back and dug her nails into him as she moaned a slow and low moan.

He started to move down her body getting closer to her breasts. She started to reach for his jeans to un buckle them. He helped her by sliding them down along with his boxers. She started to pull down her own pants that were frustrating her. When she got them off he came back to her breasts. He unhooked her bra and grabbed her breasts. Taking one already hardened nipple in his mouth teasing her with his tongue as his other hand palmed and squeezed her other breast. He then alternated with the other breast. When it began to be too much for him and he knew he had to be back where he belonged. He started moving his mouth back up her body sucking and caressing her with his tongue. She had her head thrown back and was grasping the sheets with both hands like she was holding on to dear life.

He positioned himself at her entry feeling all the juices flowing from her insides on the tip of his member. This made him ache to plunge inside of her and complete the action of re-staking his claim over her. But he lifted his head to look her in the eyes. They gazed in each others eyes, both willing the other to understand all the emotions they felt.

Jax knew he had to be the one to betray his pride so he told her softly, "please Tara, love me. I need you. I love you."

She just nodded slowly she and reached her mouth up to his and used her hands to push him inside her. He sunk into her and it felt like he had just been released from prison, the shackles had been torn off. He moved & pumped her slowly, savoring the feeling of ecstasy from connecting with her again. He felt such a relief from making love to her again because it was feeling so right, not the emptiness of just sex as it had been since she was released from Stockton.

He began to move faster and a little harder and she moaned loudly and he loved it. She started to arch her back up again but he wasn't going to give her that release yet. He wanted to punish her. Make her regret ever believing she could live without this, without him. He was going remind her that she needed him just as much as he needed her.

He slowed again and changed his angle sucking on her neck. And he heard her breath of disappointment that he had denied her, her orgasm. He moved to an angle he knew drove her wild.

She moaned louder breathing heavy. "Jaaax!" She moaned out of breath.

He felt his stomach boil at the sound of his name on her lips. He felt her legs tightening on him. He moved the angle and slowed again. She whimpered looking at him with pleading eyes and he looked at her too, but continued to move slowly.

She read his eyes and knew what he was doing. He was trying to make her regret trying to leave him, make her remember her love for him, her need for him. But what he didn't know is she never forgot. She just held those feelings captive to do what she thought was right for her sons. But they were broken free now and she couldn't hold her emotions hostage any longer.

She stared at him with begging eyes and moaned her words while he moved in her, "Please baby, I need you."

She felt him pick up pace a little bit again and her eyes rolled back. She looked at him again and forced the words out between breaths. "Please-Jax-I'm-sorry."

She released the sheets and gripped her hands onto his back again. He was moving faster again and she was moaning with each pump. She was getting to the edge again and was so close.

She yelled before he could try and punish her again, "oh God Jackson I love you. I'm sorry. I love you"

With that all his self control disappeared at her words and he rammed into her harder and faster like the wild animal inside of him, that was released at her words. She spasmed for what seemed like forever. The explosions in her body didn't stop they just kept going and she was shaking.

He was still moving to reach his peak but as soon she calmed she grabbed his arms and threw him to turn over so she can now be on top and in control never breaking the fusion of their bodies. He looked up at her in surprise and she had a barbaric look in her eyes that impossibly made him feel harder. Her hair was wild and disheveled and flowed downward around her face. She was beautiful and he was mesmerized.

She moved above him with her hands clenched down on his chest and he prayed she wouldn't try to deny him his release as he did with her. She moved faster and harder and he met her with a force of his own. He grabbed her hips and ass and squeezed his hands into her flesh. He rolled his eyes back and she also threw her head back squeezing her eyes closed. She exploded again but she also felt him pulsing and shooting inside her as he squeezed her body even tighter.


	4. Chapter 5

Tara opened her eyes still coming down from the high she had from the mind blowing actions that had just taken place. She looked down and saw Jax, he still had his eyes closed and his grip on her hips. She didn't want to move. She didn't want to disconnect their bodies for fear that they would have to face reality. But she knew both things were inevitable.

She moved and he gripped her tighter again. He didn't want her to regret what they had just did. He feared she would get up and go back to her business like facade of the emotionless cold shoulder she had been giving him lately. She looked him in the eye, softly letting him know she wasn't going any where.

She moved to lay next to him and resting her head on his shoulder, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. He wrapped his arms firmly around her just for precaution to be sure she would stay at his side. They sat in silence both of their minds spinning relentlessly. She spoke first this time.

"Why did you come home, Jax?"

He didn't really know how to answer and explain his thought process prior to him deciding to come home. So he answered her simply.

"Home is where the heart is babe."

She couldn't help but smirk a little but he wasn't gettinng out of this conversation.

"I don't know where we go from here, Jax."

He understood what she meant. He didn't really know himself. He was still feeling the crushing pain from how she manipulated him and used him to betray his own mother. The pain of her plan to abandon him. Yet the only thing that helped comfort him from that pain was being exactly were he was at, with her in his arms. Like the drug she was to him, she provided the temporary escape he needed from the suffocating feeling he felt. He knew he had to respond but he didn't know how.

"I don't know either Tara?"

She was irritated by his response and she looked up at him. She needs to figure this out she can't live in the unknown. She can't live with out having some answers or a plan.

"So what was this all about then Jax?"

He knew she was getting frustrated. And he was too.

"Tara I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm dying inside. What you did, I want to hate you. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I feel like you cut my heart out and stomped on it but I love you and I can't turn it off. The only thing that hurts more than all of this is the idea of life with out you."

He was staring into her eyes as he confessed this all to her. She felt an entire wave of guilt over come her. She always felt the guilt but she was able stuff it inside the lock box in her heart along with the rest of the emotions she had. She was able to swallow all this by keeping her mind on the justification of it all, which was she was trying to protect her sons. But Jax came marching in and ripped open that box unleashing all the feelings she had worked so hard to put away. Now she couldn't control them at all. The tears began to fall but she remained silent keeping her sobs from escaping her mouth. She closed her eyes tight to try and gain control.

Jax hated to see her like this. He realized by her reaction that she must still love him. He could see how it pained her to hear how her actions affected him. He was sure it was the same look he had when he learned what she did. He took comfort in this assumption but he still felt weary.

"Tara, look at me."

She looked up at tears not stopping.

"I can't loose you and I can't loose my sons. I can see that I'm not the only one hurting from the decisions you made. And I realize that I am not completely innocent either. I've let you down and I've let our sons down. They should never have been through everything they have already experienced. I love you Tara, please don't leave me again. I can't survive it and I'm not sure you can either."

She just continued crying, not speaking. She knew if she tried to speak she wouldnt get anything out but loud sobs and heavy breathing.

He waited a few moments for her to gain her composure and when she did he spoke again.

"Babe please just answer me truthfully. Don't think about anything else and don't try to spare my feelings. Do you still love me?"

She couldn't lie even if she wanted to.

"Yes. I love you more than words can say, Jax. But I can't let our boys grow up in constant danger. I can't let them follow in your foot steps. I told you this place and this life is toxic, if giving them a safe life means I have to sacrifice my love for you then that's what I have to do."

He knew she was right. Her words made his eyes glossy. He can't loose them though and he can't just abandon the club either. He was always being pulled in two different directions by the club and his family. He was always able to put it off but it was coming to a head now, and he could feel the affects of being completely torn by both things pulling him. He didn't want to think or talk any more. For now he just wanted to savor this time with her and keep out the rest of the world. He just wanted to be left with her, his sanctuary, so he could have some peace, even it was only temporary.

"I don't know what to do either Tara. Please just stay with me tonight. Please"

He looked at her with begging eyes and tears gathering, threatening to over come him. Her heart was breaking. She placed her hand on his face and kissed him softly. He held her tighter and deepened the kiss. It seemed that they both needed some more doses of ecstasy to escape all of their harsh realities that they didn't want to face any more tonight, so they wouldn't.

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Hope yall are enjoying! I appreciate any and all feedback. THANKS!


	5. Chapter 6

Jax woke but kept his eyes closed not wanting to face reality. He woke early despite only falling asleep only a few hours prior. Even with only a few hours of sleep he slept better then he had in weeks. It felt as if he had slept for days. Tara and him had made love several more times until they both passed out in each others arms.

They made love slowly & softly then rough and hard. Finally when neither of them could keep their eyes open they passed out holding each other tight. He secretly hoped that he would impregnate her for real this time so he could trap her with him but he also felt panic at that idea figuring if she did become pregnant that would only drive her to leave more.

He finally opened his eyes and felt sick. She was gone. His stomach was in knots. The feeling was all too familiar for his comfort. He felt like he was 19 again. Last night they were desperate. They were starved for the connection that Tara had been holding hostage from both him and herself.

It reminded him of the days prior to her leaving when they were 19. Any time they were within ten feet of each other they had to have each other. He didn't know it at the time but her mind was set on leaving with or with out him and she just wanted to consume herself with him as much as she could before she left. But he still had an intuition that something was different and every time they made love he feared it was their last, he felt like every touch was goodbye. Then one morning he woke and his fear had become a reality.

He felt the same fear knotting in his stomach again but magnified with all the other events that had taken place being taken into account.

He went to shower and when he was walking into the kitchen to get some caffeine she came walking in. He felt a wave of relief along with the shock of surprise.

"I took the boys to day care. I need a day to think clearly about what will happen next."she said softly.

Jax just nodded his head in response.

It was awkward and tense. They were no longer in their bubble that shielded them from reality and the pain they both felt. His heart was felt like it was being squeezed to the point of bursting. He could see she felt it too. She averted his eyes and looked down and moved into the kitchen to busy herself so that she could distract herself from the tightness in her chest that had tears pooling in her eyes pushing to break free.

He sat at the kitchen table while she moved around the kitchen putting dishes away and re organizing their decor. He called her name, she didn't respond now completely focused on doing her petty tasks. He saw she was trying to occupy hey mind with anything but them and he saw she was desperately trying avoid a breakdown.

He got up, walked behind her and put his hand gently on her wrist to halt her from continuing what minuscule task she was doing. This subtle touch released a feeling of pace through out her body and her heart was on fire. So was his.

She put the dish down and turned slowly to face him. She still didn't look up at him she was trying to control her emotions again and didn't want to surrender her vulnerability to him. But her resistance was pointless. He knows her and no matter how much she tried to fight it, he has some kind of power over her just as she has over him. He grabbed her face gently with both hands and moved her head up to look at him. As much as he hated himself for it, he felt comfort at seeing her like this. Her anguish helped soothe the pain from his broken heart. It relieved him to see her in so much pain from what she had done and where their relationship was at. He knew it was selfish and twisted to feel good about her pain but it was the only way he could know that her love for him has not faltered. As she looked at him he saw the tears she was holding back and he just wished they could go back in time and he would have left with her as soon as he was released from prison. He kept his hands around her face and kissed her softly. She eased a little and returned his kiss with a feeling of surrender. He pulled away from the kiss that was short and sweet and just pulled her to his body in a tight hug his arms around her neck and he leaned his fave against the top of her head.

They stayed like this for a while then she moved to face him now. It was time to talk and figure stuff out.

"Jax we can't just ignore everything that's happened and go on like it's just another day."

"I know."

"So what now, Jax?"

"Well are you still trying to divorce me and try and take my kids?"

Tara was silent. She didn't know the answer. Could she follow through now that Jax had come busting through like a raging bull, tearing down all the walls she had built up around her heart? She felt it was best to avoid the question.

"Jax, the reality is I might be going to jail for a long time. Do you really expect me to just leave my children behind to be sucked into the life that has stolen you from me already?"

The tears were coming now.

"I begged you Jax, I begged you all those years ago. And I begged you months ago. You are always choosing this club before me and your family. You told me yourself that John was a coward for not getting you & Thomas out of this life when you were kids & that he should have ran Gemma over to do what he needed to. Do you not feel that way anymore? You promised me Jackson and you lied to me again and again.I've sacrificed all I have to be with you but I can't sacrifice my sons! What would you have me do? have my boys wait for me to get out and be groomed by the club to take over one day? Is that what you want for them?"

She was hysterical now. And he felt ashamed and like a failure. He knew she was right about the boys and him.

"why didn't you come talk to me first Tara? How could you manipulate & use me like that? I love you more then life and you used my love like it was a pawn in a game of chess. How could you let me believe we had another child on the way and let me feel the grief of loosing it. Do you realize how the thought of you bearing another child for me was like bringing me back to life? A part of me died with Ope and I felt like you were giving that back to me." Tears were now building in his eyes.

"You think this is what I wanted Jackson? What choice was i given? Go to prison and trust my sons in the hands of you, the club, and Gemma? You promised me you would protect our family but I haven't even gone to trial yet and our family was nearly blown up along with the club house. I have tried talking and reasoning with you but you don't listen. What was I supposed to do?"

He knew she was right. He knew this before they ever even discussed it but hearing it gave him a new clarity. He was defeated and wrong. He failed her and his family and hated himself for doing so.


End file.
